My first week in the office - Monday

This must be how someone coming out of a long-term coma feels, without of course, the atrophied limbs.

These people are talking, and I know it’s English, most of the time, but I’m having inexplicable trouble really grasping what they’re saying.

I think there’s more to my newfound stupidity that the culture shock of constant conversation, and while some of the Swedish accents are on the gluttonous side of thick, I don’t think that’s the problem either, the real issue is stepping into a conversation 5 years after it started.

Remember the feeling of trying to catch up after popping for a wee in the pub and returning, not to the merry chortles that follow the punch line, but to the air of anticipation that precedes it and which you can only be part of having understood the laborious build up?

Take that and multiply it by a hundred, then replace the levity with seriousness and your pretty much there.

I think, as times goes on, I’ll be able to piece things together and see the bigger picture. I’m rather hoping for a Poirot like moment, where I can mentally pace about the drawing room, twiddling my impeccable moustache and unravel this mystery with a Swiss watchmakers precision.

“So you see, it became very clear to Poirot that, while you worked for a complete different department, you would be the un-ignorably important person who adds to his workload without consideration for his boss”.

For the time being I’ll just have to go with the flow, gleaning clues here and there. Today’s clues revolved around learning some of the speak and forgetting as many names as possible.

As far as the lingo goes, I’m sure it’s the same in every workplace, the comfort of common understanding breeding linguistic laziness.

Thankfully I’m not talking about management speak, which in my mind would sound even more wonderfully ludicrous in a Swedish accent.

I’m talking about the other scourge of the business world, the acronym.

I imagine it was the military who invented them, not only to save the generals precious nanoseconds but also to give the less cerebrally endowed a chance to keep up with orders as they came in.

Unlike the military however, business has adopted a rather more ramshackle approach with acronyms growing (or rather shrinking) without anybody to marshal them to attention.

I remember the period, during the mid/late nineties when financial directors became Chief Financial Officers and the boss became the Chief Executive Officer, lengthy titles which of course demanded acronymic treatment.

This grand period of change created a well meaning monster it would seem and I’m sure that during it’s infancy the titular acronyms were very well held in check by virtue of their newness and the misplaced pride they created. Today, however, they are everywhere; not only as titles fitting names I’ve forgotten, but also as integral parts of day to day working life.

I can only hope my internal Poirot has his dictionary on him, and that we can keep up.

TTFN.